Priyotomeshu,

Happy birthday. Though I don’t really celebrate anyone’s birthday anymore cuz it’s kinda haram maybe, but it’s the only excuse to reach you after all these years. You’re much older now, why don’t you get married? I still can recall how heartbroken I had felt when I saw an ex partner’s wedding photo, can’t wait to get my heart broken like that again. I can’t name this feeling of waiting eagerly to get one’s own heart broken, maybe I’m waiting to judge your partner and rate my substitute? Idk. Was I even anyone to you? Idk that too. Am I still obsessed with you and blindly idealizing you which most likely has to do with my idiosyncrasies and not about me loving you anymore, well, that I know is true. One of my friends told me that I find my cherished characteristics within you that’s why I may have been obsessed with you for all those years. And interestingly enough, when getting closer to you translated into breaking my own projection of who you were, I got so furious and I couldn’t deal with the hatred inside me and was betrayed by my own understanding of people. So I chose to distant myself and continued to loving your facade (which is not your fault), even if that persona doesn’t really exist. I completely adore the way how I find you so admirable from afar. And you don’t even know how you inspire me even today to be better just by simply existing. In your presence I feel like I have so much love inside me, and I thought it was about me. Me and my fantasies. There is nothing really special with you right? After all it’s all my projection no? But no, I tried loving people who were legit interested in me and who loved me back too, but I couldn’t fill the void which was created when I was being distant to you. I think they couldn’t inspire me enough to be better, or walk me through the process of being better. I wish it wouldn’t be such a rough experience with you. I wish we could be a thing even if that later may fall apart, but this anticipation, that you were so close yet so distant, that you wanted me to be with you still left me at an arm’s length, doesn’t sit well with me. I miss who I was back then, who could completely fall in love with people at a first glance, who could be so vulnerable with people and express her heart’s deepest desire without going wild by overly thinking every single second about what can go wrong next. I think I can never fall in love with anyone like that. That part of me holding your memories dearly always keeps me on toes that I must not make a fool out of myself. So once in a while, I make room for that delicate girl, who just wants to give and receive love. That girl with her last ever love interest, eagerly waiting to be accepted into similar warmth of heart. I spend time with her, listen about you from her. Till date, she’s living out a fantasy life idealizing you, incapable of loving and admiring anyone else, thinking one day her projection of you will finally come into her life and validate all the words that she could ever write about loving a man. Congratulations to you for occupying that sacred space. I hope you fall in love, and I hope it never breaks your heart.