Being humble, being an empth can sometimes cost a lot! I’m paying the bill now. I had a huge adrenaline boost yesterday. I went to Jahangirnagar University alone from my campus! For the first time I was loitering alone and travelled this much road, a huge thing for girls who are not allowed to go out.
I just wanted to see if I can do this or not. And I did it! I met people, had chat, met a 9 year old kid, Abdullah, a charming little kid, he gave me a little company, we had fun together, I learned a lot! And loved the kid! Then I was waiting there for him, I’d prefer not to mention his name (out of hate or something, I don’t know what!). I waited almost an hour, people were staring at me, they gave this weird look. I was there just to give his sketches. I dunno why! There was no need for that. I’ve torn apart all those beautiful sketches I drew of him. And these two doesn’t even match his face. But I had this feeling. I just wanted to give it to him. I dunno maybe to tell him he ruined my love for him, the respect and everything. I just have no idea. I was hoping to see him. And he deliberately kept ignoring my calls and texts. Then I came back home.

At night Liza aunty’s son (26 days old) died and I can not settle my heart since. I caught fever last night still managed the day, the people, I was shaking while talking to my classmates at coaching trying so hard not to show my emotion. Liza aunty is no one to me. We’re not even related. She lives at the same building as us, with her husband and another son Ayan, a 10 year old kid. I know I shouldn’t be this sad but I’m unable to stop myself. On top of that I saw a dog today while I was heading towards my coatching, it was badly injured! It was almost unable to walk. I turned my head as I didn’t wanted to feel bad but I’ve already seen enough.

It was raining and a begger was all soaked up in rain, this is it! Oh! I can’t explain how bad it is! Sometimes I feel so bad for feeling this much. People would say, oh Raisa, you have a good heart and sometimes I hate that! I hate that I have a good heart. Cause what do you mean? What do you mean a 26 day old baby dies and it doesn’t bother you? What do you mean a dog is injured so bad nad you don’t care? What do you mean it’s okay that an old lady is sitting there in pouring rain? How can you not feel anything? Why is this world so mean! What’s the use of a heart that cries for 2 hour straight cause it saw the scenes of flood in Nepal? I wanna tell someone all about it! I don’t wanna change. I don’t wanna be as hard as rock, I wanna feel the earth, wanna touch the people’s hearts and if I can’t, then I don’t wanna live here. Sometimes it’s so hard to hold on together. When you experience these stuff and still you’ve to walk like Oh! Look at me, nothing happened. Still fine as new! Ha-ha! I hate that!